he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
