I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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