I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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