Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
