Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
