i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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