I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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