Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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