I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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