why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
