i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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