I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
