how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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