Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
