so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Let's get the cat blown out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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