I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sober January is a disaster.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
