i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
