I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
