i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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