Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
