I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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