At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
