I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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