Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
