I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
