It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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