I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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