just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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