I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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