just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
there is glitter all over my balls
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
