I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
