i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
