there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
