how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
