I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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