Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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