i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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