The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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