the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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