Welp...herpes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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