Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
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