Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
