Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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