theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
