Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
