I faked an abortion last night.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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