There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
