Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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