I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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