I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
