I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
