I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
