I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was born a porn star she said
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
