So drunk its hurt
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
