It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
