my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
