Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
