So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
