my being single is dangerous.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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